I think the key to having both of you on the same page is to really focus on this as a team. Talk together about what goals you have. Talk together about retirement. Agree that you’ll both pool receipts and discuss them on the first and third Sunday of every month. Whatever works for you. Just make sure that one half of the partnership isn’t feeling bossed and smothered.

Even though my husband of a year and a half doesn’t make me feel like that, it’s hard to navigate. He makes more than me. He bought the house before we married. I have student loans. He wears a company-provided uniform to work every day. I have to buy clothes. But I came into the marriage with no credit card debt and while the wedding virtually wiped out my savings, we paid for it ourselves. I came into the marriage after ten years of being financially independent and handling it just fine – and in the space of one evening suddenly felt like a financially smothered little kid. Like since he made more I had to feel guilty about every little thing I bought.

Sit down and talk to her. Ask her why she buys what she does and how it makes her feel. Is is a subconscious assertion of independence? Something else? Tell her the ways in which you struggle when you’re not discussing her purchases. Just saying something like, “They put in a new taco truck between the office and home. I really wanted to stop and get a torta on the way home but I kept driving!” might help her remember that you’re both making sacrifices in the name of long term gain.

Some responses:

@Christopher @ This that and the MBA – I’m sorry to hear that man, sounds frustrating indeed :( What do you think about those ideas I listed above? Setting aside an amount each month for either of you to do as you please? Maybe if it’s all built in within the budget it wouldn’t bother you as much? Either way it should give you at least *some* comfort that she’s not out spending $30/day on stuff you don’t agree w/, or worse – $300! ;)

@Paul – Awesome though! Glad those budgets you guys are making are working! Once we know what our limit is, we tend to be better about sticking to it – at least in our heads :) Interesting to hear about those different Dave steps too – hadn’t heard them before though I really NEED to. Being a personal finance blogger and all ;)

@Catherine – Great! The more that both sides are in the middle of the finances the better – def. helps put things in perspective. Though admittedly it’s much easier said than done ;) I still, after all these years, can’t get my wife to really soak it in! Haha… she listens to me and chimes in when I ask questions here and there, but I can tell she’d rather be walking into a pit full of snakes than having an in-depth discussion on money ;) Oh well… it’s good one of us enjoys it I suppose!

@Joanna @ Our Freaking Budget – Good!! And thanks so much for the kind words – I love my job! :)

@Mom – Agreed! A great idea indeed :)

@Pam – Yes! And you’re out there SEARCHING for it too online which helps, so def. keep that up too :) You’re doing great killing all that debt!

@Samantha – Haha… you don’t think having 5 laptops is necessary? ;) Cool you guys are working on paying off your mortgage too! I literally think, and work towards that, every single day… I can’t wait for the biggest expense to be gone forever! It’s gonna be awesome!!

@Joe @ Retire By 40 – Yup! Monitoring (aka “hovering” as I like to think of it) is liable to drive everyone crazy. You get enough of it at work and other places, so a good solid plan/solution is def. needed to bring some more peace into the household. Even if it’s just on your side cuz the other half is perfectly content, haha…

@Alexa @ travelmiamor – Haha, Mint.com IS pretty good – you’re right :) Glad you found something that works (and excites!) you guys!

@K.K. @ Living Debt Free Rocks! – Yup! I always hesitate before stating my views on bankruptcy too, just cuz there *are* times where it makes more sense and isn’t about just over-spending/etc (like mainly with hospital bill stuff and what not). It’s just that 9 times out of 10 the person doesn’t want to put in the hard work and take responsibility, and that’s the kind of stuff that frustrates me to no end.

@daveM – Haha… yeah, cuz you’re trying to give up one of the most tasteful things on Earth! Haha… how about giving up something you hate? ;) Or can adjust? (like cable/phone bills or something)

As far as the disagreements about the small purchases, it is essential that you set up categories for fun for each of you, that you can spend on whatever you like, No more arguing about each other’s vices, i.e. Starbucks, cigarettes, etc. Its not about values here: its about money. We give $100/month to each of us, just like J$ does. If I want to spend $60 on a massage that he thinks is frivolous, thats up to me cause its my blow money. If he wants to save up all his money for 6 months to buy (yet another stupid) laptop, I can’t say a word. Its working for us!!!

I currently only have one debt and my mortgage and like the other person I’ve lost my steam. It is almost like I am back to my old ways of I see it, want it and buy it but since I don’t have any more credit cards it is getting paid off every day.

I have to up my emergency fund and then move on to my retirement.

I love reading about other peoples success because it gives me hope that one day too I can be there.